When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
