So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
