my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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