I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
