My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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