I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
