I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
