So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
