My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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