Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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