im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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