u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
