i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
