I smell stomach acid.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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