I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Randomize
