No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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