i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
