She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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