One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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