Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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