the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
