There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just google imaged poop.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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