the new term for farting is butt boxing.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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