i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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