i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
