Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
MIDGETS
????
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
