respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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