Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
