By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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