Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
