The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
