She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I look better un-naked...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
