This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
