If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
50% drunk capacity currently
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize