This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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