you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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