I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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