I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
