you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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