Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
