my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
