Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
