I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
last night I used snow as a chaser
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
