Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
