why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
