just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
