my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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