Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
