I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
