We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I still have a little drunk in my system
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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