I can tuck mytits in my pants
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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