the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
