Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
