New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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