when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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