hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
