i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
