today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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