I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
